Last night was awful awful awful.

Ana is getting stronger and it is unbearable to live with.  I was freaking out about an array of things, but most of all about having to get weighed at an appointment today.

I just cannot go on like this, but it's so hard to give up.  Part of me absolutely desperately wants to give it up, wants to get better, to live my life - happily, because I cannot cope with these miserable, melancholic feelings any more.

But another part of me just cannot give it up.  It has got too great a hold of me, it is part of who I am, who I have become.  Yet it is like having a monster living inside of me.  I am a monster but it is not me: my thoughts are not mine; my feelings are erratic; my emotions are suppressed; I am no longer anything but a puppet controlled by an upper being.

How do I get back control?  How do I drive away this monster?  How do I live?