I wish my greatest fear was something normal...like...spiders, or...heights.  But my all-consuming fear is anything to do with weight: food; gaining weight; eating; drinking; scales; feeling fat; going out in public and being conscious of my weight...etc.

I've sort of promised to allow myself to be weighed on Friday and it is absolutely stressing me out to the point that I can't breathe properly, my heart is racing and I haven't slept properly for nights and nights and so tiredness, sheer exhaustion, is making the situation a whole lot worse.  And I have reverted to what I would have liked to have called a former habit, which is no longer 'former' since I have taken it up again.  And I know that getting weighed on Friday is going to exacerbate this habit because I will hate myself so so so much.  I haven't actually told anyone this, but it is just unbearable to cope with and I need to let it out somewhere.

I want so much to turn up to one of my Friday appointments and say 'Hello, yes I'm great thank you, I've had a wonderful week!'  Because, for the last three, or is it four, weeks, I have been unable to get on the scales, I have been unable to complete many of the challenges I wanted to complete and I have felt like a complete and utter failure.  I feel like I'm trying so hard but not getting anywhere.  And at the same time I feel so FAT, so grotesquely huge and the monster inside of me keeps urging me to give up and just carry on as I am.

So that is why a fear of something relatively normal that is incapable of ruining my life is number one on my Christmas present list...