I feel so totally messed up at the moment.  My daily routine is no longer a routine.  The only pattern in my sleeping pattern is that there is no pattern.  I can't remember the last time I actually slept remotely well...perhaps the night before Christmas Eve?  Again, with eating, the only pattern in my eating pattern is that there is no pattern.  Everything is so utterly out of control which terrifies me, and I'm so tired, so exhausted of it all.  With each new day worse than the one before, I feel like I can't go on any more, but I don't know what to do, or who to turn to.  I feel like a complete nuisance to everyone else, who seem to be high on life with the turn of the new year.  But how does a change in a day, the single addition to a number, the flick of a second from one hour to the next, have to the power to make any difference to change anything at all?

For anything to change, it has to come from within you.  You have to want to change.

But how is that possible when you feel like such a waste of space, so completely useless, utterly worthless and relentlessly self-hating?  I feel like I'm never going to get out of this hell-hole.  I don't know what to do any more, I just don't know what to do.  Each day is a bigger and bigger struggle with no seeming light at the end of the tunnel, with no amazing thing to look forward to at the end of recovery.  It doesn't bother me when I'm told that I could die - it's no big loss, so the scare tactic doesn't work.  And it doesn't help when professionals tell me that 'you'll get there', 'you can do it' etc.  Well, please tell me how the fuck to 'get there' and how to 'do it' before I completely lose the will to care any less than I already do.

I've been so so happy this week keeping myself busy and making sure i lose weight.  And I did, which made me so incredibly happy i felt i would burst with joy.

But now, i have no idea why, i'm just sitting here feeling worse than i have done in a long time.  It's like living a roller coaster of emotions and the drop from the high to the low is almost unbearable.

I don't know how i feel.  I guess it's just numb.  And i hate it.  I hate myself and i feel like that's never ever going to go away.  I feel so empty and alone and completely terrified.  Right now, i just want someone to hold me, and make me feel safe for a while.  But i know that the feeling i crave is transient.  'This too shall pass' is a quote always in my mind, sometimes helpful, sometimes not.

I just want someone to hold me and i may find the courage to speak the words which are so hard to find and impossible to utter aloud.  I just want someone to be with me right now.  I can't bear this any more.

Whilst on the subject of studying etc. I have recently discovered how easy it is not to attend classes and not to complete homework.  Throughout my whole school life, I was one of those kids who was, basically, a swot: I always completed my homework and handed it in on time; I studied diligently for every assessment from the major exams to the minor tests; and I never, ever deliberately skipped a class - in fact, I hated missing school, because it meant being at home.

In school, you just cannot win.  You either turn out looking like a swot by being a 'good' pupil which pleases your parents, but you get picked on rotten by your peers, or, you turn out looking like one of the 'cool' kids which pleases your peers but disappoints your parents.  Obviously, I was the former, out of choice or not, I am not certain.

However, I was thinking recently, how I can kind of understand why some students do not do their homework, do not study for tests and deliberately skip classes.  For the first time, I have experienced this lack of discipline, and it is a scarily easy trap to fall into.  I have started two courses (with the intention of: getting me out of the house; giving me something to do in my time off; building my confidence; finding myself) and for the first few weeks, I was doing well.  And for me to admit that is such a huge achievement.  But then I started to feel more and more fat which makes me hate myself more and more (which seemed impossible) and then I get more and more depressed and withdrawn, which makes me more and more reluctant and then subsequently unable to physically leave the house.  So I don't go out - I skip classes.  I feel worthless and unable to do anything to any degree of satisfaction - I don't do my homework.  I haven't done my homework, so I don't go to class and it spirals and spirals out of my control within a matter of...days at the most.

When something major is going on in your life, things such as homework seem trivial and unimportant compared with the big problems.  And you cannot talk to your tutors about this because, well, I just can't.  Then they get angry at you because they don't understand, and you get frustrated because they are so harsh but really, you are frustrated with your worthless self.

Easy.

This is something different from what I usually tend to veer towards writing about, or rather, ranting about!  I was thinking about it yesterday.  I seem to do a lot of thinking, most of it involves worrying about petty things, however, I thought this might be something I could write about.

Having missed a few classes both this week and last week, I decided to go to the library where I intended to spend the whole afternoon catching up and doing homework.  This was quite a positive step for me: being motivated to do something; planning my day; actually going outside despite being completely terrified; and making it to the library...where I found it closed at 1 o'clock on Wednesdays.  It was 12:21.

Bloody typical.

I went in, chose some books, got them out, then decided to go and say a quick hello at the place I work.  Quick turned out to be several hours after I was offered a little room to study in upstairs!  Huddled amid the stock, it felt like working in a little sanctuary!  And I managed to study for a few hours which was great.  I cannot seem to study at home, I just cannot seem to concentrate.  It is as if I need to be locked in a room where there is nothing else to do.  But when I am in this environment, I can study for Britain.  I study and study and study and...

...when I was walking home, I wondered why?  Why do I study?  What for?  What is the point if I just forget everything later on?  What am going to use it for?  Will it help me get places in life?  Is it just a waste of time?  I feel like I'm not achieving anything by all of this studying, and yet I still do it.  The study bug...

Way hay aren't I good?!  Two updates in as many days!

Today I woke up in a miserable state, to glorious sunshine and planned a monster walk to burn as many calories as possible in an attempt to evade this miserable state I found myself in.  Did this happen?  No, it did not.  I spent, instead, a wonderful few hours with a wonderful friend which was undoubtedly better than spending the day walking, alone.  'You'll Never Walk Alone'...how true...I seem to have the invisible yet heavy weight of ana on my shoulders wherever I go.  No matter how much I want to run away from all of this, ana is bound to follow me.  Her company makes me feel more alone than anyone would ever wish to be.

However, sometimes, just occasionally, I can push ana to the dustiest, darkest part of my mind and forget for a while.  For example today, being with my friend, I could forget my label for a while.  A short while, for ana is back with me now, poking and prodding and rumbling within my insides, reminding me incessantly to listen to her commands.

And my obsequious self obeys.

Goodness, it has been so long since I blogged.  I've been sticking more to my written diary because the things I wanted to write, the emotions I wanted to release, were not really suitable to be expressed on here.  But since I found myself online, reading another blog, I signed in and thought to myself, I might as well write something, even if I have nothing to say, hence the ridiculously boring post.

Everything I have to say at the moment is ultimately depressing, so I'll stop here before I spiral into a downward oblivion once again.  I should salute these feelings with my glorious middle finger, but it is easier said than done.

I was doing so well...in the eye of those I'm getting treatment from.  I mean, I was eating a bit more, a lot more actually and I felt, and still feel like an absolute gluttonous pig.  On the one hand, I felt so so guilty that I wasn't going out running my nine miles every night and that I was eating what felt like a vast amount of food.  This guilt was overwhelming and overpowering, lowering my mood to such an intense level of self-loathing that I started cutting again.  Everything felt unbearable.  However, on the other hand, the lack of exercise felt, I'm not sure what the appropriate word is, but it was like a pressure had been lifted away.

Anyway, this lack of exercise and this increase in consumption of food inevitably led to weight gain.  And I felt like shit.  And then I felt even more like shit when I got weighed on Friday because it confirmed my greedy, lazy lardy fatness.  I felt so low that I just don't care about anything.

And now I'm on a mission - to lose it all again, and I am waiting in anticipation the high at the end of the week.  I don't care about anything else.  Ana has taken over and I'm not going to stop it.  Day one is done.  Day two, so far, is on track.  I just hope I can find the willpower to keep this going, keep in control, in the driving seat.