I feel so totally messed up at the moment.  My daily routine is no longer a routine.  The only pattern in my sleeping pattern is that there is no pattern.  I can't remember the last time I actually slept remotely well...perhaps the night before Christmas Eve?  Again, with eating, the only pattern in my eating pattern is that there is no pattern.  Everything is so utterly out of control which terrifies me, and I'm so tired, so exhausted of it all.  With each new day worse than the one before, I feel like I can't go on any more, but I don't know what to do, or who to turn to.  I feel like a complete nuisance to everyone else, who seem to be high on life with the turn of the new year.  But how does a change in a day, the single addition to a number, the flick of a second from one hour to the next, have to the power to make any difference to change anything at all?

For anything to change, it has to come from within you.  You have to want to change.

But how is that possible when you feel like such a waste of space, so completely useless, utterly worthless and relentlessly self-hating?  I feel like I'm never going to get out of this hell-hole.  I don't know what to do any more, I just don't know what to do.  Each day is a bigger and bigger struggle with no seeming light at the end of the tunnel, with no amazing thing to look forward to at the end of recovery.  It doesn't bother me when I'm told that I could die - it's no big loss, so the scare tactic doesn't work.  And it doesn't help when professionals tell me that 'you'll get there', 'you can do it' etc.  Well, please tell me how the fuck to 'get there' and how to 'do it' before I completely lose the will to care any less than I already do.