Whilst on the subject of studying etc. I have recently discovered how easy it is not to attend classes and not to complete homework.  Throughout my whole school life, I was one of those kids who was, basically, a swot: I always completed my homework and handed it in on time; I studied diligently for every assessment from the major exams to the minor tests; and I never, ever deliberately skipped a class - in fact, I hated missing school, because it meant being at home.

In school, you just cannot win.  You either turn out looking like a swot by being a 'good' pupil which pleases your parents, but you get picked on rotten by your peers, or, you turn out looking like one of the 'cool' kids which pleases your peers but disappoints your parents.  Obviously, I was the former, out of choice or not, I am not certain.

However, I was thinking recently, how I can kind of understand why some students do not do their homework, do not study for tests and deliberately skip classes.  For the first time, I have experienced this lack of discipline, and it is a scarily easy trap to fall into.  I have started two courses (with the intention of: getting me out of the house; giving me something to do in my time off; building my confidence; finding myself) and for the first few weeks, I was doing well.  And for me to admit that is such a huge achievement.  But then I started to feel more and more fat which makes me hate myself more and more (which seemed impossible) and then I get more and more depressed and withdrawn, which makes me more and more reluctant and then subsequently unable to physically leave the house.  So I don't go out - I skip classes.  I feel worthless and unable to do anything to any degree of satisfaction - I don't do my homework.  I haven't done my homework, so I don't go to class and it spirals and spirals out of my control within a matter of...days at the most.

When something major is going on in your life, things such as homework seem trivial and unimportant compared with the big problems.  And you cannot talk to your tutors about this because, well, I just can't.  Then they get angry at you because they don't understand, and you get frustrated because they are so harsh but really, you are frustrated with your worthless self.

Easy.

This is something different from what I usually tend to veer towards writing about, or rather, ranting about!  I was thinking about it yesterday.  I seem to do a lot of thinking, most of it involves worrying about petty things, however, I thought this might be something I could write about.

Having missed a few classes both this week and last week, I decided to go to the library where I intended to spend the whole afternoon catching up and doing homework.  This was quite a positive step for me: being motivated to do something; planning my day; actually going outside despite being completely terrified; and making it to the library...where I found it closed at 1 o'clock on Wednesdays.  It was 12:21.

Bloody typical.

I went in, chose some books, got them out, then decided to go and say a quick hello at the place I work.  Quick turned out to be several hours after I was offered a little room to study in upstairs!  Huddled amid the stock, it felt like working in a little sanctuary!  And I managed to study for a few hours which was great.  I cannot seem to study at home, I just cannot seem to concentrate.  It is as if I need to be locked in a room where there is nothing else to do.  But when I am in this environment, I can study for Britain.  I study and study and study and...

...when I was walking home, I wondered why?  Why do I study?  What for?  What is the point if I just forget everything later on?  What am going to use it for?  Will it help me get places in life?  Is it just a waste of time?  I feel like I'm not achieving anything by all of this studying, and yet I still do it.  The study bug...

Way hay aren't I good?!  Two updates in as many days!

Today I woke up in a miserable state, to glorious sunshine and planned a monster walk to burn as many calories as possible in an attempt to evade this miserable state I found myself in.  Did this happen?  No, it did not.  I spent, instead, a wonderful few hours with a wonderful friend which was undoubtedly better than spending the day walking, alone.  'You'll Never Walk Alone'...how true...I seem to have the invisible yet heavy weight of ana on my shoulders wherever I go.  No matter how much I want to run away from all of this, ana is bound to follow me.  Her company makes me feel more alone than anyone would ever wish to be.

However, sometimes, just occasionally, I can push ana to the dustiest, darkest part of my mind and forget for a while.  For example today, being with my friend, I could forget my label for a while.  A short while, for ana is back with me now, poking and prodding and rumbling within my insides, reminding me incessantly to listen to her commands.

And my obsequious self obeys.

Goodness, it has been so long since I blogged.  I've been sticking more to my written diary because the things I wanted to write, the emotions I wanted to release, were not really suitable to be expressed on here.  But since I found myself online, reading another blog, I signed in and thought to myself, I might as well write something, even if I have nothing to say, hence the ridiculously boring post.

Everything I have to say at the moment is ultimately depressing, so I'll stop here before I spiral into a downward oblivion once again.  I should salute these feelings with my glorious middle finger, but it is easier said than done.