I hate this turbulent, roller-coastering up and down, up and down.  One minute, I am my joyously happy self with my friends and, especially with one close friend, can forget, more or less, everything.  But then suddenly from this peak, out of the blue, the roller coaster decides to take arbitrary corkscrew turns, first throwing me about in frustration, then plummeting down, down, my happiness has fallen out of the ride, lower and lower until I have reached a trough, an inexplicable black oblivion.  Feeling at rock bottom for no reason that I can think of.

And this rock bottom is horrendous.  I cannot even describe it.  First of all, the deep sadness is random, as in, there is absolutely no reason for me to be like this...but I am, and I cannot, wish as hard as I can, make that roller coaster change path and rise up, up and up, hauling with it my mood.  So I remain stuck, trapped on this roller coaster ride of misery which absolutely terrifies me beyond belief.

I complain, and yet I deserve it.  After eveything I have done.  After the misery I have caused to more than an array of people, and people for whom I care about at that.  This is totally my own fault.  I have made people miserable, I have then, uninentionally, pushed people away, I have caused havoc and made myself a complete nuisance to othes.  Now I am overcome with guilt which leaves me bearing the weight of misery on my shoulders.  I daren't complain any more for I unquestionnably deserve this comeuppance, this emotion trapped inside me causing turmoil.