Well now that is something that has never happened to me before...

I don't really know how to word what happened, but the closest phrase that describes it is, someone 'had a go' at me in the street.  There was no significant commotion or shouting or a real uproar, but it was nevertheless, an upsetting and horrible experience, to say the least.  And I just stood there, vegetative, and took it.

I don’t know whether to call it irony, or, Sod’s Law.

The thing is, I had been bothered about bumping into this particular individual all day:

1.    1.  I went to the town where, let’s call them X, is educated, and so was apprehensive about meeting them there. 

2.    2.  I went into the actual place where X attends education and was concerned about colliding into them there. 

3.     3. I caught a particular bus home and was anxious about running into X on that. 

I was, relieved, I think is the word I am looking for, to have passed the whole day without seeing X, or his little friends.  Apart from almost having a panic attack in the bus station whilst on the phone to my mum, I had managed to confront my fears! 

It’s curious how some things stay clear in your mind when you think back to them.  I think, that we, or I anyway, worry tremendously before making any decisions.  I fret about any consequences that could arise, I agonise over making the correct choice, I fear upsetting others or letting people down as a result of my stupidity.  What I am getting at here, is that I was, once again, worrying about making a decision, that is, at which bus stop I should get off.  I very nearly got off one stop earlier than usual, and if only I had!  The should-I-shouldn’t-I deliberation going on in my mind is extraordinarily clear.  There must be a reason for things like this.

But the past is the past and cannot be changed, obviously, so I got off the bus at the usual stop.  I noticed some people waiting in the bus stop, but, because I’m so shy, I am, in public, so focused on getting things right, not making a fool of myself and so on, that I just concentrate intently on what I have to do – get off the bus without falling over, thank the bus driver, start walking home, which route to take home, cross the road – watch out for cars etc.  I know it sounds ridiculous.

I noticed people in the bus stop, but didn’t take in who it was, being so fixated on my routine.  But then I heard, somewhere in the distance, like a familiar voice in the back of my head, someone calling my name.  When I was sure it was me, my name, someone calling after myself, I slowly turned around to see X coming after me.  When I say, ‘coming after me’ I do not mean that to sound at all in a threatening way, I just do not know how else to put it.

I was astounded, almost overwhelmed, that X had even acknowledged me, let alone speak to me considering their behaviour over the last few months.  But this pleasant surprise was ephemeral, fleeting to say the least.  I felt threatened.  Intimidated.  At fault.  Worthless.  X asked me what I was playing at and then recited rampant rhetoric about how I had destroyed everything.

Great way to end the day...

A few things upset me about this encounter.  Firstly, the Sod’s Law thing mentioned earlier.  Secondly, how I just stood there and took it all.  Thirdly, how very pitiable the whole situation has become for a mere teenager to act so pompously, due to indoctrination and manipulation.  And fourthly, X had an audience, without which, I do not think X would have performed.

It is all about image.  Life is all about image.  They have to look good, make sure it appears as if they are doing the correct thing.  As long as it looks as if they are right, nothing else matters.  Not even how rubbish and worthless and meaningless and hollow and rejected and at fault I am made to feel.  As long as they still have their aura of pure perfection, nothing else is of any importance.

No wonder I have my own image issues...