I passed my theory test today.  It gave me a huge sense of success which disappeared as quickly as it enveloped me.  Just like all other exams, like all other successes.  Short lived and seeminly futile.  I mean, OK, yes I was momentarily happy with myself, but then I read through the test results, and the questions where I had gone wrong jumped out at me.  Always eyeing up the negatives.  I seem to be an expert at pointing out the positives in others and the negatives in myself.  I just can't help it - it is like an addiction, like a smoker has to have a cigarette, like an alcoholic has to have another drink, I have to keep boosting others, making them feel great about themselves, in contrast with pointing out my own errors, my flaws, my imperfections...

...which may be why I have lost about half a stone after putting some weight on.  But it's still not good enough.  The more I lose, the more imperfections I find on my body, the more I hate it, myself.  I get so frustrated with myself for being so weak, for lacking such willpower and for being so utterly selfish. 

I just long to be normal.  I crave self assurance and confidence.  I want to be able to do things my friends can do, without flying into a frantic panic over nothing.  I want to be able to do things a normal twenty year old can do, without being consumed by fear.  I want the feeling of emptiness to evaporate and the feeling of loneliness to disappear.  I hate my wants.